Switch topics yet again. I went to do a body check up with the doctor closest to my office. She asked me many questions, including if I have any stress or depression. So I told her the whole thing about Alan and my family. I said personally I don't think I have any stress and I am not depressed. I have some recurring memories sometimes, but mostly I snap out of it within a few minutes. She went on to tell me that I should be careful and that it doesn't go away that easily. Since then, my week has been awful. I keep thinking of Alan and loosing concentration at work. My productivity is way down and I am always 'mo sum gay'. Don't worry, today, I actually felt great. More on that later.

So my question is... if I hadn't seen this doctor, maybe none of this 'downturn' would have happened. Makes me wonder if she actually screwed with my mind by talking about it!?

And I feel better cus Kaleen got a new job today. She's really happy about it and I think it's affecting me too.

I haven't been to the movies in a while. Need to get hold of a movie buddy and use him/her often... I saw Big Fish, a decent movie about a son and a father reconnecting after years of ignoring each other. Unfortunately, the reason was because the father was dying of cancer. Remember I wrote that with death, comes strength? I think that theme was resonating throughout the movie. I still believe strongly about that statement. Tears come down my cheeks sometimes when I think of Alan. But that is a mere physical reaction... inside, I know I am happy with my life. I have two lovely parents whom all my friends want to adopt (can you adopt a parent!?) after they meet them. I have two lovely brothers who make people around them special (including myself). I feel I have made the most out of what I am given. What's more to ask for?

Question: if you could change one thing in life since you were 9, what would it be? Vincci, my friend at Harvard, had wished that her father didn't die of cancer when she was 14. My wish was to understand Alan more than I already did. Initially, I naturally thought that I wanted Alan alive and well now. But all his life he has wanted to be free from all his burden... hence all I wanted to do was to understand him more. Maybe I can convince him to choose another path for life, maybe I can't... I don't know. But at least I would have understood him. That's the one and only thing I would change if I could.

If I start writing about my entire Spain trip, I can easily go ten pages without stopping... so I won't do that to bore you to death. A little prelude to the trip. The entire trip was actually 'financed' by Alan. He had about 200,000 miles left in his UA mileage account, and so we got four tickets off his account, virtually using all of it. I guess the idea was that this would be his last Christmas present to us. And what a present it was. I still see sorrow in my parent's eyes. My mom's in particular. Breaks my heart. Personally I am doing very well. So don't worry...! I had tons of fun in Spain... I'll be back there, for sure!