For the first time in my life, I can't control my emotions. I can't stop my mind from rambling. I can't do anything. Except for remembering someone I loved so dearly. I'm helpless. Remembering is all I can do. All I will do.
I don't know what I should feel. I really don't. I feel guilty. I feel sad. I feel pissed. I feel hate. I feel love. More hate now. I feel disappointed. I feel dissed. I feel lonely. Very lonely. I feel isolated. Where are my feelings going? They can't go anywhere. I own them. Yet they are wondering around so much. Just floating in front of me, rotating, talking to me at times and ignoring me at times. Just there. Can't grasp it, much less control it. I wonder if I want to take control of them if I could. Maybe I don't. Maybe they will jog around in a while and decide to go away. Maybe they will magnify and haunt me. Nope. No idea what they want to do. They are rotating.
I can't feel my limbs. Seems like only my fingers are moving. I told my boss I need some time alone. I've got time alone now. What really do I have right now. Physical movements of my finger. That's about it. I can't even control what I type. Oh wait... I'm pausing. Thinking. What to type next...? Weirdo.
I can't feel any happiness. I just can't. I tried hard, oh I did. I tried to think of him being in a better place doing better things. It's not working. The world was too much for him. Too many things negative, too little positive. I hope I was a positive. I hope our family was a positive. Not enough for him perhaps.
When do you know how much you love a person? When you lose him. Or her. What a joke the upper powers play on us. Maybe trying to teach us a lesson. Cruel lesson, I'd say.
I sat there. Eyes shut. Mind open. I tried to remember our good times together. I tried to remember a lot of things. His face. His voice. His physique. His big hands. Big mind too. His persistence. His stubbornness. I said I tried. Ever stare at a cloud and see what it looks like? I kind of did that. A variation of it. I stared and tried to shape it into him. Hard and long I stared. Sometimes my mind would succeed in trumping nature and physics. Almost. Then my other mind will come in and trump the original mind. It'll comply with physics and shatter the image. Just like the phone call.
Good luck. Life up there would be nice.
Scary how the human mind works. So emotional at one time, so calm at the other. Is this normal? Or am I going nuts? I wonder. I wish he spoke to me in my dreams a while ago. He didn't. He made a choice to go to a better place. He made a choice to leave nothing behind. He made a choice talking to no one. I've once said you live the consequences. I guess he did. How cruel of me to say that.
Cry dry tears. That's me right now.