I never thought I'd hear it from James. But I did. I've already started the week off with a headache at work... guess bad news keeps accumulating regardless.

I don't know what else I can tell James. He's 17, quite mentally mature for his age. I'm neither a very good big brother nor a very good family member. Here I am, alone in Boston, doing my own thing. Taking full advantage of my parent's willingness to let me live free from them. I care about all of them in Hong Kong. But the bottom line is that I would not want to go back now. I want to finish my AG career, go to graduate school, find out who I am, find out what I want to do, and find my path for my life. At the same time, I want to be a "hau suen" son. Maybe that's an impossible proposition. Fuck.

When James told me that he is very sad and misses Alan very much, and that mom cries all the time, I almost feel ashamed that I am one who is not too sad, doesn't miss him too much, are rarely cries. Maybe I have truly understood Alan and life. Maybe I'm just one cold blooded bastard. Parts of me believe I am the former. Parts of me believe in the latter. Life is full of these dilemma.

And my ultimate advice to my youngest brother? Is to be selfish and think about himself first. ah, the circles in life.

So... I have the responsibilities of an associate, but not the resources. How do I express this to managers and other people who supposingly have a higher rank than me? I don't know. I will voice up though. Hopefully help will arrive and I won't have a headache at work. So this is how stress builds up. One thin leads to another.

Taiwan is a mess. Two things I learn from this. One is that our so called free press in everywhere is not free. Wait, I learned this a long time ago. Two is that democracy does not come easy.

Every person from Hong Kong I speak to thinks the shooting is staged and fake. The basis of their conclusion? The evidence that Ah Bien has benefited from the shooting, there are many grey areas surrounding the injury, and that the injuries aren't life threatening at all. Where do they get this kind of evidence and conclusions? From the HK press, the Chinese press, and, most important of all, their pre-installed perception that Taiwan independence, directly linked to the PPP and Ah Bien, is bad. The last point fuels the first two.... or maybe the first two fuel the last. Either way, the evidence to conclusion path is seriously flawed and biased. To the three points of evidence above, I say: the injuries COULD be life threatening... they are, afterall, right in the stomach and could easily have hit other more important organs; the grey area of the aftermath of the assassination comes with the health of the head of the state; the fact that Ah Bien has benefited from the assassination is no evidence that he staged it himself.

On other hand, it's hard to believe the assassination attempt was a clear assassination. Doesn't assassination mean the taking of ones life? It seems that the shooter knew exactly when the fireworks would go when the car was where. That sounds like an insider knowing exactly the parade and the accompanying functions! Furthermore, an attempt on Ah Bien's life would be fruitless if the shooter shot at the stomach, since presidents are supposed, as we are told later, to wear a bullet proof vest at all times. Also, from the release of information, the shooter seemed very close to the car. Couldn't he or she have attempted a shot at the head? Anyway, evidence exists on both sides of the argument. If you are a truly reasonable person, you would need to consider all this evidence... and it would tell you that it's unclear who shot Ah Bien and why. If it is unclear who the shooter is, how can you conclude it is staged? Unbelievable. People always let their preconceptions of a situation get the best of their judgment.

You call this democracy? No, not the 'staged' (or whatever) assassination to get more sympathy votes. The fact that people are voting not based on what the presidential candidates can do for the people, but based on solely the colors (blue and green). You think Republicans always vote for Republicans? No. Much of the party is moderates and they could easily switch to the Democratic camp if George Bush fucked up. Ditto for the Democrats. No votes are taken for granted. In Taiwan, votes seem to be taken for granted. If you are green, you must vote for green and vice versa. That is not quite democracy.

To some extent, I feel that Hong Kong people are more suitable for democracy. Most people are moderates and they indeed will judge a politician by his or her performance. There are of course contingencies that will support their own party no matter what. But I'm willing to say that the vast majority of the people are not that way. The leftists who have been so critical of the Democratic Party are a perfect example of being extreme. Whatever the DP does, they oppose. Now... how is that different from the DP opposing whatever the government does? I don't know. So many things in the world not going right. It's a depressing world, from Taiwan to Hong Kong to the USA to Iraq to Israel to Madrid to Afghanistan. I hope I can do something to help when I grow up.

Yet tomorrow will be just another day... and I will have to deal with my own issues again.

I swear, I'm not picking this day because it's Charlotte's birthday. Just pure coincidence.

Lately, I've been having a lot of revelations about myself. It's quite ironic that this has happened after my wisdom teeth have been taken out. It also comes at a time when many things have gone wrong with my body and yet nothing has gone wrong in my personal or professional life. I guess it's just to be consistent with who I am... unpredictable! So, let's see, what revelations do I have?

I give up, I just don't get a long with Hong Kong guys. I think I try hard to be a good friend, but it never works. I don't get along with guys in general. But with Hong Kong guys, I have more difficulty. Maybe it's because of my abrasive and sarcastic choice of words. I honestly don't mean any of it... they come out of my mouth without me noticing it. They are jokes that are sometimes inappropriate and therefore interpreted the wrong way. I give the impression of confidence, arrogant, and cocky. That probably won't score a lot of points either. Sometimes I think I'm acting that way but really, inside, I'm quite insecure. Well... nah. I am confident of myself. Sue me. Though combining arrogance and sarcasm is the ultimate killer. Also, Hong Kong guys are more competitive when they are with other Hong Kong guys... I think that also adds to the fire a bit.

I do get along with many girls. Maybe it's cus of physical attributes, maybe cus of charm... I think mainly is because I could think in a feminine way. And when I do, I have much more patience than other guys. I can listen all day and night to some girl babble about nothing. Though I do confess this is mostly limited to girls that I have a good relationship with. Others, I just scold them off and ask them to be practical.

Perhaps being good with girls hasn't helped my cause to be good friends with guys.
Anyway, I've pretty much come to terms now. So be it. Good with girls and bad with guys... guess that's not too bad a position to be in.

I enjoy long distance relationships. Sometimes I think I deliberately chose one this time. I don't want to become too attached. I don't want too much responsibilities. I cannot, actually. One thing I learned from Alan's passing away is that if one is able to let go of things easily, one can regain strength faster and more effectively. By doing so, one can also extend a helping hand to others who cannot regain strength as fast. I like to help people, there is no doubt about that. It kind of conflicts with my abrasive and sarcastic self. Well, what can I say, a classic Gemini!
How does one easily let go of life? Understanding oneself certainly helps. Why did Alan pass away? Why did all this terrible things happen to my family? Such is life. We all make choices and Alan made his too. Once I understood that, I let go. Mom doesn't understand it still. Her life is based on her love for us. Perhaps she will never understand that we are own selves and no one can take it away from us. You can influence us, but we govern ourselves. No matter how much love is showered and how much hate is spread, we must concentrate on ourselves and not on others.

It sounds cold and selfish. Even I would admit that. But that is who I am and that is how I like it to be. I avoid to be too attached to any person. For fear of being like my mother. But then I realized it's not about being attached to someone; it's about how much of a person do you really understand. The more you understand, the more you can deal with what he or she is doing in her life. I think that's why I am such a great listener. I listen, I try to understand, and I advice. May not be the best advice, but I tried my darn best to come from the other person's angle. So... I can still love, I can still care, I can still be attached. But at the same time, I want to understand whom I love, whom I care, and whom I am attached to.

Gear switch.

It's time to move on. My days at the Analysis Group are numbered. Suddenly, I know I'm meant to move on. What have I learned in my time at AG in terms of my career? In classic Gemini fashion, I am good at what I don't want to do as a career: analyze data. The other side of my would really want to do more management but I've seldom been given the chance to do so. I understand why. If Lam is good at collecting data and analyzing it and presenting it, why give him other things to do? And of course on my part, if I am already good at certain things and doing those things would make my day look better, why not continue to do it? It's a vicious (well, not that bad I guess) cycle.

Anyway, I need to go to graduate school. What they will give me I don't know. What they will teach me I don't know. I do know one thing: I go there to learn what they teach, and I do get what they may or may not give. And at the end, I decide what I want to do for a career. Who knows, could come full circle and continue on analyzing data. Or could... gear switch again. Frankly, I don't care. Do my best and see what happens.

Sometimes I wonder whether he is looking down at us. I feel a sudden need to achieve these days. It's hard to describe why I feel that way... maybe having an actual date for the GMATs actually put my time in perspective.

Maybe mom will never recover. My physician told me a month ago that some people never recover. I think she unfortunately will be one of those. I'm not sure what other things I can do to help mom get over her suffering... though I do hope that it is only she that suffers, and not my dad and youngest brother. I hope the two of them are okay. Mom may think a lot and mourn a lot, but she's quite able to take care of herself either way.

Sometimes I wonder how I can still listen to another person tell me that they want to die and commit suicide. On the one hand, I feel that they have absolutely no respect for me and what happened to Alan. I think they are completely insensitive and I often just cut off myself from this person. On the other hand, what if he or she were serious? What if by cutting off myself with him/her, I contribute to his/her death? Now I'm confused... I guess I'd rather listen to the person.

Only that they are never serious until it's too late.