Sometimes I wonder whether he is looking down at us. I feel a sudden need to achieve these days. It's hard to describe why I feel that way... maybe having an actual date for the GMATs actually put my time in perspective.

Maybe mom will never recover. My physician told me a month ago that some people never recover. I think she unfortunately will be one of those. I'm not sure what other things I can do to help mom get over her suffering... though I do hope that it is only she that suffers, and not my dad and youngest brother. I hope the two of them are okay. Mom may think a lot and mourn a lot, but she's quite able to take care of herself either way.

Sometimes I wonder how I can still listen to another person tell me that they want to die and commit suicide. On the one hand, I feel that they have absolutely no respect for me and what happened to Alan. I think they are completely insensitive and I often just cut off myself from this person. On the other hand, what if he or she were serious? What if by cutting off myself with him/her, I contribute to his/her death? Now I'm confused... I guess I'd rather listen to the person.

Only that they are never serious until it's too late.