I swear, I'm not picking this day because it's Charlotte's birthday. Just pure coincidence.
Lately, I've been having a lot of revelations about myself. It's quite ironic that this has happened after my wisdom teeth have been taken out. It also comes at a time when many things have gone wrong with my body and yet nothing has gone wrong in my personal or professional life. I guess it's just to be consistent with who I am... unpredictable! So, let's see, what revelations do I have?
I give up, I just don't get a long with Hong Kong guys. I think I try hard to be a good friend, but it never works. I don't get along with guys in general. But with Hong Kong guys, I have more difficulty. Maybe it's because of my abrasive and sarcastic choice of words. I honestly don't mean any of it... they come out of my mouth without me noticing it. They are jokes that are sometimes inappropriate and therefore interpreted the wrong way. I give the impression of confidence, arrogant, and cocky. That probably won't score a lot of points either. Sometimes I think I'm acting that way but really, inside, I'm quite insecure. Well... nah. I am confident of myself. Sue me. Though combining arrogance and sarcasm is the ultimate killer. Also, Hong Kong guys are more competitive when they are with other Hong Kong guys... I think that also adds to the fire a bit.
I do get along with many girls. Maybe it's cus of physical attributes, maybe cus of charm... I think mainly is because I could think in a feminine way. And when I do, I have much more patience than other guys. I can listen all day and night to some girl babble about nothing. Though I do confess this is mostly limited to girls that I have a good relationship with. Others, I just scold them off and ask them to be practical.
Perhaps being good with girls hasn't helped my cause to be good friends with guys.
Anyway, I've pretty much come to terms now. So be it. Good with girls and bad with guys... guess that's not too bad a position to be in.
I enjoy long distance relationships. Sometimes I think I deliberately chose one this time. I don't want to become too attached. I don't want too much responsibilities. I cannot, actually. One thing I learned from Alan's passing away is that if one is able to let go of things easily, one can regain strength faster and more effectively. By doing so, one can also extend a helping hand to others who cannot regain strength as fast. I like to help people, there is no doubt about that. It kind of conflicts with my abrasive and sarcastic self. Well, what can I say, a classic Gemini!
How does one easily let go of life? Understanding oneself certainly helps. Why did Alan pass away? Why did all this terrible things happen to my family? Such is life. We all make choices and Alan made his too. Once I understood that, I let go. Mom doesn't understand it still. Her life is based on her love for us. Perhaps she will never understand that we are own selves and no one can take it away from us. You can influence us, but we govern ourselves. No matter how much love is showered and how much hate is spread, we must concentrate on ourselves and not on others.
It sounds cold and selfish. Even I would admit that. But that is who I am and that is how I like it to be. I avoid to be too attached to any person. For fear of being like my mother. But then I realized it's not about being attached to someone; it's about how much of a person do you really understand. The more you understand, the more you can deal with what he or she is doing in her life. I think that's why I am such a great listener. I listen, I try to understand, and I advice. May not be the best advice, but I tried my darn best to come from the other person's angle. So... I can still love, I can still care, I can still be attached. But at the same time, I want to understand whom I love, whom I care, and whom I am attached to.
It's time to move on. My days at the Analysis Group are numbered. Suddenly, I know I'm meant to move on. What have I learned in my time at AG in terms of my career? In classic Gemini fashion, I am good at what I don't want to do as a career: analyze data. The other side of my would really want to do more management but I've seldom been given the chance to do so. I understand why. If Lam is good at collecting data and analyzing it and presenting it, why give him other things to do? And of course on my part, if I am already good at certain things and doing those things would make my day look better, why not continue to do it? It's a vicious (well, not that bad I guess) cycle.
Anyway, I need to go to graduate school. What they will give me I don't know. What they will teach me I don't know. I do know one thing: I go there to learn what they teach, and I do get what they may or may not give. And at the end, I decide what I want to do for a career. Who knows, could come full circle and continue on analyzing data. Or could... gear switch again. Frankly, I don't care. Do my best and see what happens.