It's been a pretty rough day today. Lots of sobbing for Alan. First time it's happened. It's actually quite satisfying. Not sure what's going to happen. Many uncertainties and I'm lacking some focus that I badly need. I think I will go to talk to some sort of doctor soon. Contemplating.

Hate to put a sour note to a wonderful weekend in Boston. But I just did. Played ball on Friday and Saturday, went to picnic on a super nice day near Boston, and the sailed in the Charles under a nice sun. And then Sunday went to Dim Sum. The rain came down and ruined the day, and somehow sending my emotions into a tailspin.

Do I need help? No. Do I want help? Yes.

I don't know, I just think that kind of predicament is quite pathetic and sad. Or maybe I'm just too harsh on myself. Anyhow, I do want you all to know that I AM okay. Just thinking a lot these days. You know me. I like to think.

A simple dream: I was crying hard and sobbing in a corner of a room. Body trembling and shaking. And I couldn't move. The room was Vicky's place (I was dreaming on her sofa, so it seemed extremely real to me). I was pleading for help from a person also standing in the room. But I cannot remember who the person was. It was either Vicky or Charlotte. The nightmare was very real. When I woke up I was very upset... but Vicky said I was just sleeping there. I was almost convinced that I was indeed unable to move in the corner of her room. Anyway, that was my dream.

My question: do these mean anything? Does this mean I need help? Does it mean that the two girls I suspect to be in my dream I am desperate to get help from? Because, I admit, I am very disappointed on how them two have treated me. And of course a question I might have asked before: do crazy people know that they are crazy? do depressed people know that they are depressed? Here's the bottom line: if I can think about all these, does that mean I've understood it better? I may not have an answer, but I clearly have thought of the problem and I'm dealing with it.

I was in Pittsburgh this past labor day weekend to pack up Alan's apartment. I think everything is set and gone. Except for his accounts. T Mobile, Verizon, Electricity, and Bank. Need to clear those out sometime. No big deal. The biggest troubles I got out of the way. My mom came regardless of my advice. She just wants to make a last tour of all the things and people that Alan loved and loved Alan. Some relatives came to help. Lawrence Tam Yik Wah also came to help. Perhaps I'm a little cold blooded, but all I wanted to do is pack his apartment and move on with my life. Mom doesn't think so... I think if given the chance, she'd want to live in Pittsburgh for a while and grief for a year or so.

Having random emotional attacks more now. Was listening to a song on the car and couldn't hold the tears. So weird. I'm serious when I say I am okay now. I've always thought more or less like Alan... Reason and logic with less emotions. Somehow I just came to terms with his death after only a week or two. I don't know how I do it. Sometimes I wish I didn't do it... that I could let go of my brain and just cry all I want. For what? I don't know. Maybe to show that I still love him. Other times I am so happy that I am comfortable with everything that has happened. That I don't have to go through painful memories like my mother. I do have memories. They are happy ones. And they don't make me sad.

That's enough for now. I guess one will never understand what one is going through. After all, is it really important to actually understand? What's important is merely the actual actions that take place. Hmmm... wondering into Matrix world... I may see Alan there and he's just laughing at why I still haven't figured it out.