I was in Pittsburgh this past labor day weekend to pack up Alan's apartment. I think everything is set and gone. Except for his accounts. T Mobile, Verizon, Electricity, and Bank. Need to clear those out sometime. No big deal. The biggest troubles I got out of the way. My mom came regardless of my advice. She just wants to make a last tour of all the things and people that Alan loved and loved Alan. Some relatives came to help. Lawrence Tam Yik Wah also came to help. Perhaps I'm a little cold blooded, but all I wanted to do is pack his apartment and move on with my life. Mom doesn't think so... I think if given the chance, she'd want to live in Pittsburgh for a while and grief for a year or so.

Having random emotional attacks more now. Was listening to a song on the car and couldn't hold the tears. So weird. I'm serious when I say I am okay now. I've always thought more or less like Alan... Reason and logic with less emotions. Somehow I just came to terms with his death after only a week or two. I don't know how I do it. Sometimes I wish I didn't do it... that I could let go of my brain and just cry all I want. For what? I don't know. Maybe to show that I still love him. Other times I am so happy that I am comfortable with everything that has happened. That I don't have to go through painful memories like my mother. I do have memories. They are happy ones. And they don't make me sad.

That's enough for now. I guess one will never understand what one is going through. After all, is it really important to actually understand? What's important is merely the actual actions that take place. Hmmm... wondering into Matrix world... I may see Alan there and he's just laughing at why I still haven't figured it out.

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