Man, what a waste. I finished exams on Monday but accomplished absolutely nothing since then. It was a remarkable coincidence that the week had to be freaking freezing in Chicago. I can't wait till I can ski. Anyway, for most of the week, I found myself being trapped in my apartment. There was an odd reluctance to reach out to friends (besides an excellent Italian meal on Monday night after the exam... more on that later, I hope), so I ended up staying home doing miscellaneous stuff all day. But, really, there's a reason why they are called miscellaneous: there isn't that much of it.
With alone time came lonely time; with lonely time came reflection time. It isn't bad, I guess, though sometimes it can overwhelm me. I've mentioned that the quarter has been strangely unsatisfying. That feeling magnified during the freezing week. In particular, I reflected quite a bit on how much I've changed and why I have become who I am now.
Take my reluctance to reach out during the week. Why is that? Hong Kong and Tufts me would have certainly reached out way before any boredom materialized. In fact, I was always the one organizing events for my friends, being the good host during parties, working the crowd... I guess I still do some of that, but not nearly as much as I used to. When I delved deeper, I find that, now, I only do those things when I'm "official," when I have the responsibility to do them. No more volunteering.
I attribute some of it to age. With age comes the more mellow me. However, mellow usually doesn't lead to me sitting alone at home when I could have called friends. As uncomfortable an answer it was, I found that Alan has really contributed to this particular change. Maybe it's being afraid of being too close; maybe it's not wanting to have too much fun... to be honest, I can't really articulate it clearly(which makes me feel bad... cus I'm not trying to blame it on some intangible), but the subconscious me seems to know.
Unfortunately, the subconscious me doesn't wake up during blog writing. So, to review the week: I worked on my website (check out www.rentacoder.com!), read some books, got hostals set up in Galapagos, laid out finances for the next year (I'm so broke; thank you MBA), typed up my Scotland trip (uploaded), checked out possible courses to take next quarter (I have only one, sigh), and made one small step closer to photo lessons thanks to Huckle Cat. Now if only I had the time to actually take those classes.
2 comments:
Gosh, I miss my MBA days.
Wait until you are sitting in the office alone at some ungodly hours. Being broke is totally worthwhile...gives you all the freedom in the world to do miscellaneous things....
yes it's part of growing up -- you've done it enough, you've seen it enough, and you know what you could've/couldn't have got from parties.
it's another phase of life; there are questions that cannot be answered by anyone else but you. i always have a lot of questios, like, why the hell am i here, what have i done last 2x years, who cares if i do x today, where i am gonna be in 10 yrs, but what if i drop dead (but not quite) in my apt ...
having said that, a few close buddies who really understand you and share your values always help. :)
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